And we're supposed to grow up, aren't we? For about a year or so, I've been thinking about how much my life has drastically changed since graduation. My senior year of college, I fell in love with a friend, went to Africa and decided that I wanted to be a lawyer. I had my close friends, pajama parties, late night bowling and subsequent cuddle fests, but something changed. It happened almost over night. I moved to Washington, D.C., pained by the decision to leave the familiar behind, but eager to do something different, meet new people. To an extent, after my aunt died, I recoiled. I wanted to come home, but her death intensified my desire to be close to the people that I love. I came home, only to realize that this is not the place for me anymore, and what a tragic feeling; to know that where I once felt at home felt so "alien" to me.
I'm acutely aware of the rumor that the reason that I returned home was predicated on a relationship with my former beau. Given how long we've been seeing each other, I wouldn't think it were a bad idea, and to deny that he had anything to do with it would be unrealistic. To that end, I admit that he played a substantial role in my final decision to come home, however my intention was never to remain in Washington, D.C. We got back together just as I moved there, and the plan was always for me to return home, as I had more flexibility in the relationship than he did; he has a daughter and thus, limitations. I am unapologetic about that; it is what people agree to do when they are serious about each other. Things didn't work out between us, but it didn't work out because ultimately, as we both understand, it's not supposed to work. I cannot speak for anyone else, but most important, is for me to understand that and to move forward.
Alas, how can I have a relationship of that kind of magnitude without understanding exactly who I am, or at least have a more than relative idea? That's where I've been, since my return. I chose to work in politics, as it is super sexy (in a professional way) and requires me to work harder than perhaps I've ever worked in my life. I loved it, but I am still lost here in Philadelphia. It is a true challenge to do what I love, while staying afloat financially, or to even feel refreshed, unattached to residual heartache, headache, insecurities, etc.
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"This quarter-life crisis doesn't have to be terrible..." |
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I was shortsighted in realizing how much I needed change when I left the first time, however, it is so glaring right now that I struggle to ignore it. I actually no longer want to ignore it. Sometimes I feel like a contortionist; I want to please so many people, I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but what I realize is that the more that I want things and more that I evolve, the more important it is for me to feel good about my decisions, so much that I have the courage to go it alone, or with a positive posse, albeit small. I am motivated by my desire to truly do something challenging, exciting and extraordinary. I want to see different parts of the world, I want to learn more, and I want to find myself. There is so much more than this place! I just want more. I want to take pictures of different places, meet new people, fall in love again, see musicals, dress up, eat exotic food. I want adventure, I want a meaningful life that goes beyond a nine to five grind. I want something immaterial, I want to feel light. I just don't feel that here, and I am not sure that I ever did. I love Philadelphia, because for better or for worse, it is my home. But I want to move on in so many aspects of my life.
That's the hardest part. Moving on. I will miss my friends and my gosh, I am so inspired by all of the wonderful things that my friends from Villanova have set out to do. Many are married, some have children, some have amazing jobs, have gone overseas and some are still trying to figure it out. This quarter-life crisis doesn't have to be terrible. Perhaps this is the time to really LIVE and experience the world and allow it to mold us into the people that we are bound to become. We are armed with an education from one of the best schools in the country, a school that intellectually and spiritually fed us for the last few years of our lives. It has set us up to explore and discover. I think what I dread the most is settling before I ever set sail.
And so I am setting sail! On June 8, 2010, I joined the United States Marine Corps, with a mission to begin my life anew. The hardest part is boot camp. I leave in October, and I already have my job, which is in avionics. I will either be assigned to jets or helicopters. I am hoping with all of my might that I get jets. Jets. Are. Sexy. I am hoping to get one of these stations: San Diego, Japan and Hawaii, in that order. This is going to be a HUGE change, and I am so excited. Training can be a bit strenuous, but I have to do this. It means so much to me to be able to have the opportunity to be among the elite few. I want to be a Marine because they are the best. Marines are warriors, intellectuals, leaders, loyal, reliable, amazing, pristine and precise, and require each person to give their best. Some people have asked, "Why the Marines?" Well, it's the same as choosing a college. It's like asking me why I chose Villanova. When people ask me "Why not the Navy or the Airforce?" It's as if they're asking me why I didn't choose Temple or any other school over Villanova, a very fine institution. The reasons are vast, but simply put, for me, the Marines is a perfect fit, and I don't see myself anywhere else.
Growing up means moving on, and having the courage to do so. Accepting change, or even welcoming it. It means being in the driver seat instead of taking a backseat to your life and letting things happen. Taking charge with a good spirit and a functioning brain. It means saying goodbye even when it's difficult, but knowing that it is for the best. It means having faith in yourself. It's a liberating epiphany and now I am anxiously waiting for October, the chance for my life to truly begin. Next stop: boot camp!
