I am listening, yet I am without sound sense, an apparition
of who I once was, a little less keen, a little too courageous.
I am listening, yet I am without clarity, I seek to provide
but fall short to understand, indignant and confused, but willing.
I am listening, yet I am without sound advice, what one
decides is of his own convoluted mind, this is individual-
This is different.
I am listening, self aware of tragic flaws and addictions;
the threat of consequences looms in my personal space, I ignore it.
I am listening, but the language is foreign, I strain and put
my ears close to the thin line that is the wall, I knock on the glass ceiling.
I am listening, but I have every excuse in the world, I struggle to take heed;
I want to be better, but I am too fallen.
I am listening because I want to be needed and cherished
though it comes at a price, costing my solid ground; I call it compromise.
I am listening because I want to offer myself to love you better
yet being love's sacrificial lamb is inglorious and thankless.
I am listening, because I desperately need fresh air and cleanliness
but I live for this suffocating moment - it hurts so good.
I am listening, but the truth is I am not responsive.
I am unresponsive because I cannot see.
I cannot see what I so badly desire to feel.
And I cannot feel because
I am without sound sense-
an apparition of who I once was
a little less keen,
a little too courageous.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
A Word About Fathers
When I woke up this morning, my co-dependency on Facebook led me to my homepage, where I saw an extensive list of well wishers to fathers. The posts ranged from first time mothers, who were speaking of their first-time fathers as counterparts, to people who were acknowledging the death of their father, but appreciating what sacrifices he made when he was alive. And some of them truly gave me pause, like the one about the moms who double as the father, and the fathers who are simply sperm donors, or, as one person so eloquently put it, "mother f*ckers".
It could be argued that Father's Day is one of the most important and personal holidays that occur in a calendar year. The reason is because it is touchy for mothers who are separated from their spouse, divorced or broken up from a boyfriend, and to some people who have lost their fathers to jail, war, or death. Some people will never know who their fathers really are, and it is to no fault of their own.
I admit that as a woman, it is very difficult to avoid seeking the same qualities that my father has in the men that I date. I was one of the lucky ones, after all. It was at three years old that I was able to cognitively put together that this man who came into my life on a regular basis was indeed my father, that I had one, like my brother, Darren. I didn't really like his dad so much, but I would take him as a dad if it meant having one. I do not remember much before three, but I remember my mother and father sitting me down one day and telling me that this man that it feels that I had just met was my father. Now, that is not to say that he wasn't in my life before I was three years old. I just remember that for a very short period of time in my young life, I wanted a daddy, too. Not only did I get my own, he never left. :-)
I was a daddy's girl through my teenage years, and the first few years that I had the freedoms of other older adults, I avoided my parents as much as possible. I didn't think that we really spoke the same language, which was a bit unfair, and I hadn't realized how much they loved me or how much I was hurting them. Of course, the best view is through the rear view, and my vision is clear. I do appreciate both of my parents, and I love my father for being the man that he is. The trouble is, I wonder if I will ever find a guy that will measure up to be the kind of man that my father was for my family and for my mother.
Looking at those facebook posts, I saw a lot of shout-outs to fathers who were simply part-time dads. These were the ones that felt pained or aggravated by the mother, the ones who are unmotivated to really be in their child's life as much as possible. Is there anything terribly wrong with being a part-time dad? There was a time when I would say not necessarily, everyone's situations are different. However, when I think about what it would have been like to have a part time dad in my life, I change my tune. Young women need their fathers. They need a strong, exemplary man that will teach them how to expect to be treated by men, what not to tolerate, how to project herself in a way that she wishes to be perceived, and how to work and excel in a (questionably) man's world.
I was thinking a few weeks back about my previous boyfriend, who is a father. I wondered what his daughter would think of him when she gets older; will she have the same kind of bond that I had with my dad? Will his opinions and feelings about the decisions she makes as an adult carry considerable weight? What will she expect in a man? And I wonder if men ever really think about the things that their children sees, I wonder if they realize that their little girls will become women some day, and like sponges, they're absorbing what the leading man in their life does on a regular basis. I also thought that the kind of man that I ultimately choose will be a reflection of how my parents raised me, and what I see in a potential father, a man who will honor his family with a good head on his shoulders. I think we would do well to understand that as women, and the men in our lives would do well to step up if they haven't already. I already have so many great examples of what a real man does, beginning with my daddy, and shouldn't expect any less.
It could be argued that Father's Day is one of the most important and personal holidays that occur in a calendar year. The reason is because it is touchy for mothers who are separated from their spouse, divorced or broken up from a boyfriend, and to some people who have lost their fathers to jail, war, or death. Some people will never know who their fathers really are, and it is to no fault of their own.
I admit that as a woman, it is very difficult to avoid seeking the same qualities that my father has in the men that I date. I was one of the lucky ones, after all. It was at three years old that I was able to cognitively put together that this man who came into my life on a regular basis was indeed my father, that I had one, like my brother, Darren. I didn't really like his dad so much, but I would take him as a dad if it meant having one. I do not remember much before three, but I remember my mother and father sitting me down one day and telling me that this man that it feels that I had just met was my father. Now, that is not to say that he wasn't in my life before I was three years old. I just remember that for a very short period of time in my young life, I wanted a daddy, too. Not only did I get my own, he never left. :-)
I was a daddy's girl through my teenage years, and the first few years that I had the freedoms of other older adults, I avoided my parents as much as possible. I didn't think that we really spoke the same language, which was a bit unfair, and I hadn't realized how much they loved me or how much I was hurting them. Of course, the best view is through the rear view, and my vision is clear. I do appreciate both of my parents, and I love my father for being the man that he is. The trouble is, I wonder if I will ever find a guy that will measure up to be the kind of man that my father was for my family and for my mother.
Looking at those facebook posts, I saw a lot of shout-outs to fathers who were simply part-time dads. These were the ones that felt pained or aggravated by the mother, the ones who are unmotivated to really be in their child's life as much as possible. Is there anything terribly wrong with being a part-time dad? There was a time when I would say not necessarily, everyone's situations are different. However, when I think about what it would have been like to have a part time dad in my life, I change my tune. Young women need their fathers. They need a strong, exemplary man that will teach them how to expect to be treated by men, what not to tolerate, how to project herself in a way that she wishes to be perceived, and how to work and excel in a (questionably) man's world.
I was thinking a few weeks back about my previous boyfriend, who is a father. I wondered what his daughter would think of him when she gets older; will she have the same kind of bond that I had with my dad? Will his opinions and feelings about the decisions she makes as an adult carry considerable weight? What will she expect in a man? And I wonder if men ever really think about the things that their children sees, I wonder if they realize that their little girls will become women some day, and like sponges, they're absorbing what the leading man in their life does on a regular basis. I also thought that the kind of man that I ultimately choose will be a reflection of how my parents raised me, and what I see in a potential father, a man who will honor his family with a good head on his shoulders. I think we would do well to understand that as women, and the men in our lives would do well to step up if they haven't already. I already have so many great examples of what a real man does, beginning with my daddy, and shouldn't expect any less.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Colin Reid
When I woke up this morning, I thought about the many mundane tasks that I would need to complete before the day is over. I also thought about this transition that I am making in my life - a climb out of the abyss of the dreaded quarter-life crisis. It will eat you alive if you let it. Thankfully, I am finding my way. In coming to grips with some new realities, I thought repeatedly about a lesson that I've learned since my return to Philadelphia. The lesson is this: Before you get all disappointed about something or someone, you have to know what you're working with.
Once you begin to understand the capacity at which a person can understand you, or a situation for that matter, you can assess the kind or amount of expectations you should place on them, and with that, you should also be willing to assess how much you can understand them. The difference is that since you are well aware of your own limitations, the idea is to try to supersede those limitations as best as you can, so as to earn the benefit of the doubt from the person that you are trying to oblige or understand.
It sounds simple enough, but it is so simple, that it is perhaps forgettable. I often keep myself in check with this of late, out of fear that I am being unreasonable or self-absorbed. I also consider my sources. You should REALLY consider the source, whenever someone's talking to you.
OH and always, ALWAYS have someone put a promise in a documented form after verbalized. It's necessary for accountability. Be ready and willing to do the same for any promises that you make as well.
Perhaps I learned more than I thought.
Anyway, today I am dedicating this blog to Colin James Alexander Reid. By the grace of God, he's perfectly fine and healthy. He hasn't returned to war at all, either. With that said, this seems to be a bit random. But when I think about transitioning from one phase of my life to another, I think about friendship. There are times like these when you leave some people behind, and there are some people that will ride with you for the next journey. I am very fond of our friendship, because as we both continue to grow, we've been so supportive of each other. A lot has happened in the five years that we've known each other. We've lost loved ones, we've fallen in love several times (with each other and other people), we've become our own sort of weird family, we've disagreed over very little, but what little we have, we've overlooked to be there for each other. When I think of loyalty and friendship, I think of Colin, because even though we rarely get to see each other, we are there for each other for the monumental things in our lives. If something happens in our family, we call. When Colin went to Afghanistan, I made the time to write, and he made the time to call. When I had questions about what to do going forward, he listened. He may not know it, but I go on walks with him sometimes. I walk alone so that I can have a moment to collect my thoughts, or be alone in them for a little while. During those times, I may not want to talk to anyone but Colin, and I have walked some extraordinary distances while talking with him. When I told him about boot camp, he was already talking about coming to my graduation. Man, I'm so lucky to have a friend like that!
You don't always get to have people like that in your life. Sometimes, it may take awhile to realize how much a person truly loves you, and know that that person will always be there. That person for me is Colin. I would openly go to bat for him for just about anything (as long as it's legal), because he truly deserves my loyalty in return. I am grateful for the wisdom to know that I should provide that.
I do genuinely love all of my friends. Some of them, I care about in different capacities, because, well, you have to know what you're working with. And they have to know what they're working with, when they are dealing with you. Neither one is a bad thing. All of the people who are in my life, both those that I will leave behind, and those that I will ask to hop in and ride with me, are my teachers and have provided me with a valuable lesson in my life. Sometimes those lessons reveal something about them, people, me, or simply, life. Sometimes the lessons aren't so great, and some exceed our expectations. Regardless, the lessons and each teacher are important.
Love the people in your life. Especially the special ones. You know, the kind that love you so much that it takes nothing to say 'I love you, man' or 'I appreciate you' or even 'I'm sorry'. And remember to do the same in return. The reward is a lifetime of friendship.
Once you begin to understand the capacity at which a person can understand you, or a situation for that matter, you can assess the kind or amount of expectations you should place on them, and with that, you should also be willing to assess how much you can understand them. The difference is that since you are well aware of your own limitations, the idea is to try to supersede those limitations as best as you can, so as to earn the benefit of the doubt from the person that you are trying to oblige or understand.
It sounds simple enough, but it is so simple, that it is perhaps forgettable. I often keep myself in check with this of late, out of fear that I am being unreasonable or self-absorbed. I also consider my sources. You should REALLY consider the source, whenever someone's talking to you.
OH and always, ALWAYS have someone put a promise in a documented form after verbalized. It's necessary for accountability. Be ready and willing to do the same for any promises that you make as well.
Perhaps I learned more than I thought.
Anyway, today I am dedicating this blog to Colin James Alexander Reid. By the grace of God, he's perfectly fine and healthy. He hasn't returned to war at all, either. With that said, this seems to be a bit random. But when I think about transitioning from one phase of my life to another, I think about friendship. There are times like these when you leave some people behind, and there are some people that will ride with you for the next journey. I am very fond of our friendship, because as we both continue to grow, we've been so supportive of each other. A lot has happened in the five years that we've known each other. We've lost loved ones, we've fallen in love several times (with each other and other people), we've become our own sort of weird family, we've disagreed over very little, but what little we have, we've overlooked to be there for each other. When I think of loyalty and friendship, I think of Colin, because even though we rarely get to see each other, we are there for each other for the monumental things in our lives. If something happens in our family, we call. When Colin went to Afghanistan, I made the time to write, and he made the time to call. When I had questions about what to do going forward, he listened. He may not know it, but I go on walks with him sometimes. I walk alone so that I can have a moment to collect my thoughts, or be alone in them for a little while. During those times, I may not want to talk to anyone but Colin, and I have walked some extraordinary distances while talking with him. When I told him about boot camp, he was already talking about coming to my graduation. Man, I'm so lucky to have a friend like that!
You don't always get to have people like that in your life. Sometimes, it may take awhile to realize how much a person truly loves you, and know that that person will always be there. That person for me is Colin. I would openly go to bat for him for just about anything (as long as it's legal), because he truly deserves my loyalty in return. I am grateful for the wisdom to know that I should provide that.
I do genuinely love all of my friends. Some of them, I care about in different capacities, because, well, you have to know what you're working with. And they have to know what they're working with, when they are dealing with you. Neither one is a bad thing. All of the people who are in my life, both those that I will leave behind, and those that I will ask to hop in and ride with me, are my teachers and have provided me with a valuable lesson in my life. Sometimes those lessons reveal something about them, people, me, or simply, life. Sometimes the lessons aren't so great, and some exceed our expectations. Regardless, the lessons and each teacher are important.
Love the people in your life. Especially the special ones. You know, the kind that love you so much that it takes nothing to say 'I love you, man' or 'I appreciate you' or even 'I'm sorry'. And remember to do the same in return. The reward is a lifetime of friendship.
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