A Word About Fathers

When I woke up this morning, my co-dependency on Facebook led me to my homepage, where I saw an extensive list of well wishers to fathers. The posts ranged from first time mothers, who were speaking of their first-time fathers as counterparts, to people who were acknowledging the death of their father, but appreciating what sacrifices he made when he was alive. And some of them truly gave me pause, like the one about the moms who double as the father, and the fathers who are simply sperm donors, or, as one person so eloquently put it, "mother f*ckers".

It could be argued that Father's Day is one of the most important and personal holidays that occur in a calendar year. The reason is because it is touchy for mothers who are separated from their spouse, divorced or broken up from a boyfriend, and to some people who have lost their fathers to jail, war, or death. Some people will never know who their fathers really are, and it is to no fault of their own.

I admit that as a woman, it is very difficult to avoid seeking the same qualities that my father has in the men that I date. I was one of the lucky ones, after all. It was at three years old that I was able to cognitively put together that this man who came into my life on a regular basis was indeed my father, that I had one, like my brother, Darren. I didn't really like his dad so much, but I would take him as a dad if it meant having one. I do not remember much before three, but I remember my mother and father sitting me down one day and telling me that this man that it feels that I had just met was my father. Now, that is not to say that he wasn't in my life before I was three years old. I just remember that for a very short period of time in my young life, I wanted a daddy, too. Not only did I get my own, he never left. :-)

I was a daddy's girl through my teenage years, and the first few years that I had the freedoms of other older adults, I avoided my parents as much as possible. I didn't think that we really spoke the same language, which was a bit unfair, and I hadn't realized how much they loved me or how much I was hurting them. Of course, the best view is through the rear view, and my vision is clear. I do appreciate both of my parents, and I love my father for being the man that he is. The trouble is, I wonder if I will ever find a guy that will measure up to be the kind of man that my father was for my family and for my mother.

Looking at those facebook posts, I saw a lot of shout-outs to fathers who were simply part-time dads. These were the ones that felt pained or aggravated by the mother, the ones who are unmotivated to really be in their child's life as much as possible. Is there anything terribly wrong with being a part-time dad? There was a time when I would say not necessarily, everyone's situations are different. However, when I think about what it would have been like to have a part time dad in my life, I change my tune. Young women need their fathers. They need a strong, exemplary man that will teach them how to expect to be treated by men, what not to tolerate, how to project herself in a way that she wishes to be perceived, and how to work and excel in a (questionably) man's world.

I was thinking a few weeks back about my previous boyfriend, who is a father. I wondered what his daughter would think of him when she gets older; will she have the same kind of bond that I had with my dad? Will his opinions and feelings about the decisions she makes as an adult carry considerable weight? What will she expect in a man? And I wonder if men ever really think about the things that their children sees, I wonder if they realize that their little girls will become women some day, and like sponges, they're absorbing what the leading man in their life does on a regular basis. I also thought that the kind of man that I ultimately choose will be a reflection of how my parents raised me, and what I see in a potential father, a man who will honor his family with a good head on his shoulders. I think we would do well to understand that as women, and the men in our lives would do well to step up if they haven't already. I already have so many great examples of what a real man does, beginning with my daddy, and shouldn't expect any less.