Words of a Wrestling Conscience

I am listening, yet I am without sound sense, an apparition
of who I once was, a little less keen, a little too courageous.
I am listening, yet I am without clarity, I seek to provide
but fall short to understand, indignant and confused, but willing.
I am listening, yet I am without sound advice, what one
decides is of his own convoluted mind, this is individual-
This is different.
I am listening, self aware of tragic flaws and addictions;
the threat of consequences looms in my personal space, I ignore it.
I am listening, but the language is foreign, I strain and put
my ears close to the thin line that is the wall, I knock on the glass ceiling.
I am listening, but I have every excuse in the world, I struggle to take heed;
I want to be better, but I am too fallen.
I am listening because I want to be needed and cherished
though it comes at a price, costing my solid ground; I call it compromise.
I am listening because I want to offer myself to love you better
yet being love's sacrificial lamb is inglorious and thankless.
I am listening, because I desperately need fresh air and cleanliness
but I live for this suffocating moment - it hurts so good.
I am listening, but the truth is I am not responsive.
I am unresponsive because I cannot see.
I cannot see what I so badly desire to feel.
And I cannot feel because
I am without sound sense-
an apparition of who I once was
a little less keen,
a little too courageous.